plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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