maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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