I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
