I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
