I just threw up on my dentist
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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