1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
