Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
