Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
