well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
