i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
