Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize