her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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