Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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