My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
this just has baby written all over it
worst night to have a conscience
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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