i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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