Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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