community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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