Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Drunk is a universal language darling
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize