they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
