I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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