This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
