I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize