Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think i peed on brittanys purse
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
