we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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