Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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