How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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