i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Randomize
