Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
