Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
