I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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