I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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