so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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