If that was your dad, he is hot
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
