If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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