I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
