I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
