if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
