ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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