Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
