I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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