ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
