You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
