I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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