I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
