Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
how does that bad decision feel?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
