There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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