im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sorry about my life...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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