Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
