after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize