well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
