Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
