you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
