So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
