apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Never underestimate the power of titties
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
