Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
