someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
