You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
