Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
