it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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