i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
