Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
