if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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